Things I'd Rather Do Instead of Shop on Black Friday

1. Work out with Denise Austin for 3 hours
2. Only eat iceberg lettuce for 1 week
3. See people dancing in tight boxer shorts...Oh, did I mention the people were rest home residents?
4. Wipe my face with dirty Carhartts
5. Shove Chapstick up my right nostril
6. Weave a blanket made out of a gossamer spider web in one sitting
7. Plan a daily schedule consisting of food made entirely over the campfire for a year
8. Write on boring straw-colored Post-it notes
9. Sport an orange peel as a bikini
10. Strike a match on my eyeball to light a candle made of my Ukrainian friend's earwax
11. Eat an ice cream cone made in the 1800's and preserved in Otzi the Iceman's stomach
12. Being forced to sit in a fluorescent and bare wooden room lying down with a sports TV on the ceiling that only showed Husker football.
12. Eat 15 used Ped-Eggs.
13. Listen to my dad sing the entire hymnal pinching his nose
14. Transpose notes for Shirley Sherrod ("You know?")
15. Pick lice off of a angry albino orangutan
16. Shred illegal documents into the Super Industrial ShredMaster 2011 Edition using only my teeth to feed the sheets
17. Enjoy my favorite food off of an iguana tail...that is shedding.
18. Watch Lord of the Rings 5 times in a row in restraints with nothing more than Hobbit food to eat.
19. Wear clothes made from corkboard to the office.
20. Listen to the intro to "Guy Noir-Private Eye" 10 times before I hear the actual skit.
21. Allow my ex-boyfriends to read all of my journals...out loud, in front of 10,000 people, while singing the national anthem in harmony between each page.